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why should a parent prove his love to the child?

December 17, 2010

Over heard a small child telling his mother “you don’t love me any more”

And today over heard a grown up telling his mother, “ you don’t love me any more’

In both the cases the poor mother was trying to convince her offspring her love and her devotion to them

A small child may need this reassurance from his parent when there is entry of another child. Because of sibling rivalry and because of the child’s inability to accept the fact that now he is no more the center of love of his parents and there is another one in the family who will share the attention of the parents the child may ask this question to his parent

But why should a grown up child ask the same to his parent?

I wonder why the mother has to reaffirm her feelings to her grown up children.

I have never heard any mother telling her children,” You don’t love me any more”.

Even if the child is insulting/ in a foul mood/ neglects the mother/ignores her – even then a mother will never ask the child to prove his love to her

Then why is the mother asked to do the same?

If the parents punish the child for some mistake, or gets angry with him it is for the betterment of the child and not because there is love lost.

I don’t think a parent will ever stop loving or caring or wishing well for his child.

In the instances where the children have gone out of the way to humiliate the parent, have disobeyed them; have broken some family values or traditions- the parents may stop talking to the child for some time not because they have stopped loving the child but only because they have been hurt by the  behaviour of the child. but even then over a period of time parents do forget the hurt caused by the child .

The love , caring and affection which the parents have for their children doesn’t decrease with passage of time, or it doesn’t disappear when the child is not staying with the parents.

Children often accuse the mother of being biased towards one child, or being partial towards another.

Is it possible?

Can a mother be biased? Can a mother or father stop loving a child because he/she is not upto the expectations of the parents?

There may be a momentary disappointment but it doesn’t affect their feelings for the child.

Rather there are cases when a mother has to take side between the husband and the children it is always the child who wins. A mother in majority of cases always sides with the child – not because she is thinking about her future or her security ( I overheard a husband accusing his wife of taking the child’s side just to secure her future and for security in her old age— how ridiculous)

A parent never asks his child to prove his love towards them then why is there a need for a child for this assurance?

I wonder if the grown up realized that he was hurting his parents by asking this silly question.

This reminded me of a novel which I read where one of the characters of the story goes on hurting her mother all through her life just because she felt that the mother didn’t love her and she loved the other sibling more. it is only in the end when she reads the mother’ diary she realizes how wrong she was but then there was no going back as she had already lost her mother and there was no way she could say sorry to her mother.

It is true that till one becomes a parent, one doesn’t realize what goes in the mind and heart of a parent.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. December 17, 2010 7:47 pm

    Indeed its unfortunate when a husband accuses his wife of taking the child’s side just to secure her future and for security in her old age….I have a small daughter and ever since she was born last year, my wife has less and less time for me….But i understand her and know she is a mother first and a wife later, though i do get upset that she doesnt care for me the way she used to. …..

    ANd though your post doesnt say this, i believe that the way most of us raise children, there is something fundamentally wrong in it. We Indians doesnt believe in personal space in relationships……A kid who is older than 18, though a kid for their parents isnt a kid anymore…..And kids arent a means of safe retirement…..If kids dont help parents in old age, i feel its because the parents havent believed in being independedt in old age…..

  2. December 17, 2010 8:06 pm

    i think its nothing but a calculated emotional black mailing by the grown up kids…… its really not gud for nebody to put his/her parents in a situation, where they hav to prove their luv or emotion 4 their own child…… really a thought provoking post.

  3. Neha permalink
    December 17, 2010 10:52 pm

    its not only a child..but every adult in the world who needs reassurance for love.
    Parent-child relationship is the only relationship that a child can rely upon… friends might be lost… partners may split..but u know that ur parents will stand by u..always.

    So if at some point of the child’s faith is a bit shaken and needs someone to say – dont worry – ill be there- ill always love u … the child looks upto no one but his parents.

    there might be blackmail at times… when the child uses words like these…but it depends on the relationship he shares with his parents . depending on the relationship the parents will know what their child actually means and they can react accordingly.

    Parents dont have to go out of their way to prove their love for their kids… their love is shown in every step they take. But there is nothing wrong in reassuring the child of their love for him.

  4. Sujata Chawda permalink
    December 18, 2010 7:38 am

    I love the way Neha has put her thought across in response to your post . I completely endorse every word she has written!

    If a relationship is important and it demands something, then just give it!

    Am sure reassuring someone of your love will only go to strengthen the bond. And what is the harm in telling people you love that you love them?

  5. December 18, 2010 11:49 pm

    Parents need not prove their love under ordinary circumstances but Children must feel that they are loved and are worthy of their parents’ love. Until a certain age of maturity on the child’s part, it is the responsibility of the parents.

  6. November 2, 2011 2:58 am

    Clearly you have never known a mother that has BPD. My mother tells me all of the time that I don’t love her, or if I really do love her, prove it, or if I really loved her I would “be there” for her. I am constantly trying to reassure my mother that I love her. She NEVER reassures me. In fact, she is constantly telling me that she doesn’t need me, to get the hell out of her life. That she should be more important to me than my husband because she gave birth to me. Yes, there really are parents out there like that. She has been like that all of my life. Even as a child I remember having to prove my love for her.

  7. Bebe permalink
    April 5, 2013 6:17 am

    My mom told me I didn’t care about her – that I didn’t love her….I just told my therapist about this today and I still cry when I say the words out loud. I’m 34 years old….so yeah.

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