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MAA KA LAADLA / JORU KA GULAM –who is he actually?

November 18, 2010

Few days back visited a patient and I was amused at the way the patient was being pampered alternatively by the wife and the mother.

It was like who will take more care of the man.

The mother wanted to be with the son, give him medicines or juice the way she used to do before marriage, supervise his food. After all she was the mother, she had the first right over her son, she knew more about her son’s needs and his habits.

But the wife also wanted to claim her right over her husband; after all she was the wife, the better half, now the new women in his life.

Sitting there I was wondering who is right, the wife or the mother.

We cannot deny that it is the mother who took care of her son for more than 25 years, the son had a very close relation with her, and they used to share everything with each other more like friends

But then how can one ignore the new entrant in the son’s life, who has come into the new family holding her husband’ hand and with the faith and trust that he will be there for her.

So the big question is who has more proprietorship rights over the hero of this post.

When I put myself in the mothers shoes then I feel she is right ( won’t  I do the same with my son?)

But when I switch the shoe and wear the wives’ shoe then I am all for the wife and her rights. (Don’t I want to do everything for my husband? Don’t I want to be an integral part in his life?)

But today I am not thinking or writing about the war  between the opposite parties but today I am trying to be in the shoes of the son/husband.

And trying to feel what he must be feeling when he becomes the rope in the tug of war and when he gets pulled on both the directions.

Most of the time we get to hear and read about the poor victimized bahu , sometime the  helpless mother in law( Saas) but very rarely about the link between the two warring tycoons  The husband or the son—The victim of war between two opponents.

Poor man is the sufferer of the proprietorship battle between two giants

If he takes the side of mother he is termed as MAA KA LAADLA

And if he shows some inclination towards the wife he is the JORU KA GULAM

No one ever thinks about him what he wants. He becomes the cock which keeps shuttling between the wife and the mother. He is really caught in the catch 22 situation.

I really sympathize with him. How hard it must be for him to keep both the mother and the wife happy by striking a balance between both of them, how tiresome it must be for him to pamper both the egos, to make both of them feel important and let both feel that he cannot do without either of them.

Frankly I would never like to trade my place with him .

Hats off to such Shravan kumar’s and such loving  husbands who devote their days and nights to maintain peace in the family , who listens to the complaints of both the parties patiently, who doesn’t have the right or get the chance to pass his judgment or his opinion on the behaviour of either of them.

they are the real sufferers.

 

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16 Comments leave one →
  1. November 19, 2010 10:17 am

    The mother dear really has a problem with knowing her place once her son is married. She may have raised him for 25 years, he has to become a man some day and have an adult relationship with his wife.

    Desi mothers actually raise dependent sons and independent daughter that is why all the drama takes place. How foolish of both mother and wife that they are fighting over a man and he is geting VIP treatment. Men don’t stand up and say enough I can take care of myself coz’ it serves them not because they don’t want hurt each woman’s feelings.

    On a lighter note, Mullah Nasirrudin had his appendix removed. In the hospital his mother took so much care of him that she would not let his wife come near him. When the time came for discharge from hospital Nasirrudin asked for a private consultation with the surgeon. He asked if the surgeon could remove his other appendix coz’ his wife is feeling slighted and wants to serve him to prove her love.

    Only if men could grow a spine and say I am an adult and I can take care of myself, ladies stop babying me. But why would they? Who minds hot meals, fresh laundry and polished shoes… Only if each one involved could learn their boundaries and spaces…

    Peace,

    Desi Girl

  2. November 19, 2010 11:03 am

    I wonder if young women face this problem?
    Do they have their mothers (or fathers) and their spouse fighting to take care of them? How will the society react if a girl’s parents are keen to take care of her – will the spouse want to take care or will he gladly allow her (or his) parents to take over? The parents are supposed to treat her as ‘paraya dhan’ and let her in laws take care of her.

    What makes two family members so keen to take care of this adult, male member? Is it because they each feel they must win a closeness to him? Are they insecure? If yes, then what makes so insecure? He is supposed to be ‘Budhape ka sahara’ of one and ‘Pati Parmeshwar’ of the other.

    I think men (or women) could help themselves out of this situation …before they get married. Only when they are ready to understand that marriage does mean a commitment to share their lives with their spouse should they get married.

    We live in a society where women face this less than men. Are women better able to take care of themselves on their own? We know they don’t. They need as much care as the next person.

    Do I sympathize with this man? I feel I sympathise with the situation and with the families involved.

    Indian mothers still bring obedient and pliant daughters in law for themselves when they arrange marriages for their sons. Often compatibility and companionship between the couple are not considered as important as her being obedient and respectful to the in laws. The son may not be encouraged to see this young family member as a friend or companion. Some sons have no real relationship with their wives for many years (often never) after they are married. The mother remains the friend and companion (or male friends). This would still be fine, if the daughter in law also has the option of maintaining friendship with her own parents and old friends – this generally does not happen. She must make her husband and in laws her life, even if he is not their world. This might make her desperate and insecure.

    The husband can’t be blamed, the mother in law can’t be blamed either – they are just following what they have seen happen for generations. This system (patriarchy) seems to be rather biased and unfair.

    • November 19, 2010 6:02 pm

      hey GGS , I really enjoyed the story of Mullah Nasirrudin
      Dear IHM the funny part is if the girl is sick , most of the time she has no one to take care of her. most of the MILS will not do, and if the husband ( the ones with spine and who can stand up to his mother will surely be termed as JKG. and God Forbids if the girl’s parents want to take care of their daughter then they have to take her back to their place, if they want to do it at the inlaws place then surely the heavens will fall, because the MIL will not like outsiders coming and taking over the responsibility ( her throne becomes shaky, society will talk) so it is a blow to her ego ” Kya hum apni bahu ka khayal nahi rakh sakte? after all she is our family. How much truth is there in this statement only the bahu knows.
      but it is a fact the man really gets sandwiched between the wife and mother. I know of real life incidences where if the husband goes to mother’s room after coming home in the evening then the wife creates scene and there are fights over that.
      and if he decides to take the wife out then the mother sits with a long face
      yes the man should have a strong spine to stand up to both of them and strike a balance
      but most of the husbands i have come across often fail at this stage and they end up antagonizing one of the ladies.

  3. November 19, 2010 11:17 am

    Turf wars between mother and mother-in-laws can lead to so much bitterness. Unless the man stands up and takes control, none of the three people involved can be happy. Unfortunately most men love being pampered (who wouldn’t) and actually encourage the turf war

    • November 19, 2010 6:03 pm

      women are at fault, they think that if they pamper the man he will become theirs and they will be able to prove to him that their love is more than the other women.
      and you rightly said; who doesnt like pampering 🙂

  4. November 19, 2010 4:41 pm

    Rightly raised issue, during the course of my experience in a helpline, we do get calls where a son is torn between parents and wife. A very sensitive matter has to be dealt with open heart.

  5. November 19, 2010 6:18 pm

    Good question… no answer!

  6. November 19, 2010 11:23 pm

    It is difficult for the man to weigh who is better as both of them are important…

    “Sudden love rarely binds the two most important women in a man’s life. But you can slowly (I really hope) evolve into good friends and well-wishers”….

    When my post marriage experiences finally evolved into a blog – http://zradar.wordpress.com/2010/10/25/dealing-with-n-laws/.

  7. November 20, 2010 6:16 pm

    Finally I see someone from other side is thinking about our situation, we, in your post the hero is the patty of the burger (stuff between two breads) which makes the burger more yummy and when it always get squeezed between two……you know what I mean

  8. November 20, 2010 11:27 pm

    Poor chap! I totally sympathize such men. By the way, nice write up. 🙂

  9. Jack permalink
    November 22, 2010 7:46 pm

    Anju,

    So nice of you to try to put across his side too. As a son, husband, father and father in law, I think I can say it with conviction that it is upto the son / husband to strike the much needed balance which is not difficult if one makes an effort. Now as father and father in law I guide my wife to relax and hand over reins in amicable way.

    Take care

  10. May 3, 2011 10:11 am

    “Poor man is the sufferer of the proprietorship battle between two giants”

    Is that so?? I disagree. Secretly he is enjoying being the centre of attraction. If he stopped being a baby and behave like an adult instead, he needn’t be this “poor sufferer” everyone makes him out to be.

  11. JMP permalink
    July 24, 2012 11:16 pm

    This is the first time the truth has revealed and I always wondered there are laws to Protect women but what about men like us. No one but you have something to say about us. I am currently going through thIs and to be more worst my wife’s parents has jumped into the tug of war. On one side my whole family keep saying I have changed completely after marriage but they don’t understand I have to for making the balance and on other side my and in-laws keep saying how much will you keep doing for your parents since they have not saved anything for you for being the only child. So imagine things are more worst. It’s a battle where I have lied balancing the situation and if the lie is revealed then I get blamed for hiding things and not telling truth but the truth is truth can cost you in Anna Hazare’s world now or in near future. So what you do “lie”.

Trackbacks

  1. Loving husbands who devote their days and nights to maintain peace in the family. « The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker
  2. Desi Parenting: Daughter vs DIL « A Desi Girl's Guide to Relationship Survival
  3. parenting » Blog Archive » Desi Parenting: Daughter vs DIL « A Desi Girl's Guide to …

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