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When is the right time?

May 19, 2010

Two newlywed girls ——

First one just after few weeks of marriage comes back from her matrimonial house because of some matrimonial problems. There were personality clashes between her and husband and inlaws, some shooting of taunts, some exchange of words. The parents didn’t allow her to go back and helped her apply for divorce.

In the case of the second girl the parents forced the girl to go back and adjust. Few days later the girl committed suicide/forced to commit suicide/ murdered. The parents cried that why did they force the girl to go back? Why didn’t they realize the magnitude of the problem?

In the first case someone said that parents should have made the couple realize that adjustment problems are there in the initial stages. As, these days both boys and girls are pampered by their parents, all their whims and fancies are paid heed to by the parents, The children these days are used to getting things as per their demands and wish. So it becomes difficult for them to adjust to new relations, new demands, new responsibilities and new expectations. They lack patience and the desire to compromise and make adjustments. The parents should have helped the couple understand, adjust and compromise.

In the second case the comment was that parents were responsible for the death of the daughter. When she had come to them with her problems she should not have been sent back. The parents should have taken the matter in their hands and saved the life of the girl.

It is normally the case with most of the parents that due to fear of society, their Izzat, status in the society, future of other unmarried children they force their daughters to go to the inlaws place and become a victim of domestic violence.

Although it is neither easy to satisfy the society or put a restrain to the talks. Human beings have the tendency to oppose and comment on the acts of the others

But when the right stage for the parents to intervene is?

Should they take action on the onset of first SOS call from their daughter? Or they should act as per the first case of public opinion? And send her back after helping her understand the responsibilities of a married life.

Or till when the parents should wait to take any action? Should it be after the second such SOS call from the daughter or the third?

But suppose if they send the daughter back and the girl succumbs to the pressure and harassment won’t they feel guilty all through their lives? and if they decide the end the marriage at the first sign of dispute, won’t they feel guilty that they did not try to save the marriage by helping the budding relation?

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. May 19, 2010 3:39 pm

    Often the parents fail to prepare the girl for marriage. It is essential that the girl should make adjustment after marriage because the in law’s house become her house. They should not run at the first SOS and should leave their daughter to resolve the issue with their in-laws or husband as the case may be by talking to them taking husband in to confidence.

    • May 19, 2010 6:14 pm

      I think any alarm from the daughter should be analysed for its merit. I am sure that men/women are not immature enough to run for parents at the slightest hint of a problem. I am sure they try to adjust as much as possible and only then raise an alarm. They are adults after all, aren’t they. And even if the girl is not able to adjust with the husband and is being unreasonable, do you think the husband wants an unreasonable wife for life? I think it is fine that some marriages break and some survive. The world is not going to end if there are divorces.

  2. May 19, 2010 7:08 pm

    It is very difficult for anyone to say as to what would have been the right time.
    One starts to find excuses and reasoning after the damage is done. BUT–Did anyone ever knew that the damage is round the corner?

  3. May 20, 2010 1:36 pm

    I blogged about this question Anju,
    http://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2009/08/19/when-a-daughter-refuses-to-go-back/

    For a long time I used to believe that a couple (mainly the girl) must be taught to adjust, but now I realise that if a girl says she does not wish to go back to her husband’s house, she should not be forced to go. She is an adult and she is not an idiot – (if she isn’t either than she should not have been married in the first place) and her word should be taken as seriously as her mother in law, husband, father in law etc.

    I feel most women in our society are terrified of divorce and breaking a marriage anyway, and even if they are not, it takes a lot for a girl to accept that the man she thought was her life partner may not be the one for her . And there is social stigma. She needs support and should get it.

    It’s just not worth risking her life. 20% of all Indian suicides are young married women (bride burning and accidental deaths etc are not included in this).

    I feel a lot of problems would be avoided if the husband and his family are also aware that the girl is not from a ‘doli comes, arthi goes’ kind of background..

  4. May 22, 2010 5:28 pm

    Good post, Anju. I think one should follow own judgement and not think of what others will say. Because the truth is no matter what you do, people will say it is your fault. Are such people worth considering at all? Yet in our society, girls are forced to endure so much abuse because the reputation of the family is at stake.

    I think the parents did the right thing by filing for divorce. If a family start misbehaving right in the beginning when the honeymoon period is still on, it would only get worse later.

  5. May 23, 2010 1:01 am

    Oh dear Anju I wish I had some of those answers. We have 6 children and never know for sure how to react. I just try to out of the mix as much as possible. Not always possible.
    QMM

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