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musings of a married girl

February 8, 2010

Following are the observations of a young educated girl just after 6 months of marriage in an equally educated family.

I am not adding my comments or my reaction to her musings. Only the language is mine, expressions and thoughts are her own.

1. Why is it that a daughter who lives with her parents for 25 years as an integral member of the family suddenly treated as a guest in her own parental house immediately after marriage? She told me that just the very next day of her marriage her parents, bhabhi all started treating her like a guest. She was served dinner in crockery reserved for special guests. She failed to understand why she could not eat in the same crockery which she used to use earlier? She suddenly felt a stranger there. She was treated as a special guest? She suddenly felt uncomfortable in her familiar surroundings?

2. Does after spending one night with the husband in his house transforms her relations and bonds with the parental family in any way? Does marriage mean that the daughter has to let go her ties and rights in the parental house?

3. Why a woman changes into a different personality once she becomes a mother in law? She is different with her daughter and son but totally a different character when it comes to her daughter in law i.e. the bahu.

4. Why a woman who is a loving mother suddenly transforms to a scheming mother in law?

5. Why is that a mother who gets excited with the thought of her son getting married , who tries to make the marriage function a memorable one for every one, who welcomes the newcomer with open arms ( at least for 1- 2 days) suddenly becomes antagonistic towards the bahu?

6. Why doesn’t the mother in law realizes that the newcomer is her son’s wife who is going to be the life partner of her son, who will borne his child, who will take care of him. Rather the mother in law should take extra care of the daughter in law as she is going to be with the son through thick and thin, she is her son’s wife so she should be pampered?

7. Why does the mother in law have two different sets of norms for her daughter and daughter in law? After all the daughter in law is also someone else’s daughter. If suppose her own daughter is treated differently by her mother in law that how will she feel?

8. Why is daughter’s husband (a newcomer in the family) is treated with respect, showered all the love whereas the son’s wife (a newcomer too) is insulted, humiliated? It is said that daughter in law is the one who will continue the family culture torch burning, who will shoulder all the responsibilities of the family name then why she is ill treated by the in laws?

9. Why is the daughter in law expected to do all the work? Is she supposed to replace the maid servant? Why is she expected to take care of all the family members? Were they not managing before she came? The daughter in law comes as the wife of the son and or as a maid servant?

She was intelligent enough to understand the insecurities faced by the mother in law, she also understands that it is the possessiveness of the mother in law that forces her to become a stereotype one, she also understands that the mere thought of sharing her son with some outsider who suddenly becomes the center of the son’s life makes the mother in law jealous of the daughter in law. But didn’t the mother in law also come as someone’s wife; won’t her daughter become someone’s else’s wife?
This is the circle of life. It is a tradition which is continuing since ages so why doesn’t the present day mother in law give in gracefully and accept the wife of son as an important part of son’s life?

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34 Comments leave one →
  1. February 8, 2010 8:53 am

    Nice post…Yes indeed these are the FAQ’s of daughter in laws which should be answered by the inlaws as well as the parents of the girl. Good summation of thoughts 🙂

  2. February 8, 2010 9:01 am

    Nice Thoughts..! Impressive article, do keep sharing your posts!

    Cheers’
    Vijay

  3. February 8, 2010 9:18 am

    A simple one liner – if you take shit – you get more shit. Somewhere one has to draw the line and say Stop – even if it means facing the ultimate chaos. Easier said than done, but needs to be done, else no point lamenting.

  4. February 8, 2010 10:50 am

    The answer to all this may be answered by the answer to the question – Why Marry at all? 😉

  5. Ashish permalink
    February 8, 2010 2:53 pm

    Honestly, I can’t answer this question as I have to change my sex/gender to feel this before I comment on it. Nice observation though!!

  6. February 8, 2010 4:31 pm

    Questions still unanswered 😐

    Brilliant post! Solid arguments 😀

  7. February 8, 2010 5:52 pm

    Most women in South Asia has similar questions in mind.

    A reason why I support nuclear families. Be there for your parents but be independent too.

  8. February 8, 2010 8:24 pm

    Great questions…never answered….

  9. February 9, 2010 1:59 am

    yes, we all ask the same questions.

  10. February 9, 2010 2:39 am

    I can’t help but add that it’s not the mother-in-law who becomes the vamp in every case. I’ve seen families where if the mothers-in-law were nice, loving and accommodating, the daughters-in-law took advatange.
    Yes, mothers-in-law have the peculiar image of being cruel et al but times have changed. In many cases, the daughters-in-law come polished and as the polish wears away, the real face that shows is as horrifying as the infamous mothers-in-law.

  11. February 9, 2010 2:41 am

    Its about human tendency. One adjusts, the other does not. There are rare cases where both ends are equally accomodating and loving. And God has his own ways of giving troubles to us humans in the form of mothers-in-law, daughters-in-law or even employees.

  12. February 9, 2010 3:34 am

    We cannot generalize it but then yes it happens and this kind of mentality is quiet common in our country. Exceptions exists in tiny number. But why it happens? The generation is in cross roads and some extra unnecessary baggage like this will shed as time passes… There is always a conflict between human emotions of different minds when they all live under one roof due to insecurity, possesiveness , ego etc. The friction will decrease as generations prefer nuclear family, taste economic freedom, education upliftment etc but then again it too will come at its own cost.

  13. February 9, 2010 6:42 am

    Exactly my thoughts! Relationships change, people change and along with it behavior changes. Its a very tricky and complicated interplay of many things!

  14. February 9, 2010 10:12 am

    One person who cant respect herself and take what ever coming her way even loose right to cry foul.

    anyway ..Keep blogging.

  15. February 9, 2010 12:48 pm

    I think this trend is slowly changing.The girls have started to get educated and professionally independent.Another,may be 10 years, this situation will not prevail.
    Yes,there are families where still such mind set exists.Mother finds it difficult to share her son with some one-else.
    Daughters,next day after the wedding like to be treated special because that is what the mother has trained her for.
    But,it is changing and no one else can change it more than the girls themselves.

  16. deepthi permalink
    February 11, 2010 7:02 pm

    questions still unanswered!!! and it forms a vicious circle.
    even i have the same questions…
    its only WE(women) who can change it

  17. February 12, 2010 7:06 am

    u have been tagged… check ma blog

    http://jainchandni.blogspot.com/2010/02/chinese-tag-and-honest-scrap.html

  18. Sravan permalink
    February 13, 2010 7:58 am

    A very informative post, but seem to be completely biased against mother-in-laws which I feel is 50% of the cases. Even the negative BAHU angle needs to be illustrated how she doesn’t accept the parents-in-law the way she does for her own parents.

    Its only a WOMAN who is an enemy to another WOMAN. And the solution is WOMAN herself, the way she accepts/understands the other woman needs to change. In some cases, the problem is SAANSU MAA and BAHU in some other cases, and even both are the problem in some cases contributing each.

    WOMEN have drastically improved in all aspects, they need to focus on this too…………

  19. February 14, 2010 4:51 pm

    Funny how things change:-)

  20. February 16, 2010 10:53 am

    To be Indian
    all above ingredients are necessary .
    like everything we got here also double standards.
    more important is female has a problem with the female.

    • June 25, 2010 7:57 pm

      Sm that’s because we make women feel that home is their life.If they have a life outside a lot would change.

      And if a girl never became ‘paraya dhan’ and son was not treated like ‘budhape ka sahara’ – then a daughter would also be seen as an asset, not a liability by the family.

  21. February 16, 2010 7:39 pm

    Wow… You have got an unmarried girl thinking too…. Scary post reallly… But nicely put.. This is what every girl has to go through I guess so all i can do is mentally prepare myself for it..

  22. February 18, 2010 7:10 pm

    nice post.. Indian females have to go through this.. either as mother in law or daughter in law..
    why not a nuclear family then?. .. when an Indian son settles abroad with his wife parents readily accept it… then why not in India?… always be there for parents but independent as well..

  23. February 21, 2010 10:56 am

    Hi,
    I am sending the link of a women’s day blog contest in indusladies, hope you will be interested to participate…

    http://www.indusladies.com/forums/blogs/induslady/indusladies-international-womens-day-blog-2945/

    bye,ayyan

  24. February 24, 2010 7:10 am

    nicely summed up anju. The son also is caught between two minds while having to take sides-wife or mother 🙂

  25. February 27, 2010 9:53 am

    I think the trend is changing now. Barring a few unfortunate cases most of the educated families believe in welcoming the new bride and make her life as pleasant as possible.The boys are so matured now that they do take good care of their spouses and promptly intervene when they sense trouble!!

  26. March 9, 2010 4:01 pm

    Hi Anju,

    Thanks for viiting our site.First of all Happy women days to you.

    As far as post is concerned I really feel its the call of a women now.If she says no to her parents and refuse to accept gifts from them then they will step back.Women herself wants her parents to give gifts so that she can show it off in society and her in laws become happy too..

    Sad but I myself have seen this happening.

  27. March 10, 2010 6:00 am

    I read through the post and felt like “why do mothers change soon they get the mother-in-law tag? ”

    Putting oneself into her shoes one can easily deduce a few things

    Its a well known fact that daughters are close to dad and sons to mom. Mothers will be extremely possessive of their son and their everyday activity – from waking them up till saying goodnight beta in the night. When a bahu comes, the first thing that is hit is her possessiveness. The Son is sharing his love with two people now. She knows it is to his best but i’m not sure if everybody can digest it so fast!!

    I guess its the bahus who has ball in their court and should be smart enough to understand the fact and buildup a relation with the mom-in-law.

    I don’t understand much but Just my feeling. what say?!!!

  28. May 20, 2010 4:03 pm

    I had many fears when I was to get married, but now, I do not feel them. I know I am accepted in my husband’s family, and they understand that I am not aware of the customs of their house, and they are willing to teach.

    I have seen that my husband’s mom is very close to him… and when ever we go home, I try to ensure that they get their time together to speak and discuss things, which I think goes a great way.

  29. Suhas Dighe permalink
    June 27, 2010 6:55 am

    The post is nice. One party to this conflict is forgooten, though. The husband/son. He has , always, a soft corner for the mother. He knows at the back of his mind what has taken his mom to get him to a stage where he could marry the most deserving girl. I always hear wife boasting husband’s achievement without acknowledging his parents’ input that made him a eligible bachelor for consideration by the girl’s parents . He is , without any apology to anyone, partisan.

    On the other hand the girl has a tough task to get into her new role, wife, daughter-in-law, bhabi etc. In many cases the girl is more acomplished than her mother-in-law a situation that is bound to spark some conflict sometime. In spite of pretensions otherwise no one likes to feel small. And who woll let any opportunity to go where one person can convey a lowly contemt for other. Human relations are like that.

    There are no set rules, no guidelines , no advice to be rendered on this. Do you best in understanding the other’s feeling. You may have to give a pound of your flesh just to keep the marriage going. Do it smiling, it’s worth it.

    All the best to this bahu.

  30. July 14, 2010 12:32 am

    Nicely written, but I think things are changing now, for the better.

  31. Parinda Purohit permalink
    July 15, 2010 10:22 pm

    Hey…….Wat u hv posted has comes out from the hearts of a million women. I think of the same things even b4 i get married !! But someone I respect told me that women can be uplifted only wen thy stand for each other. Thts wat’s needed. M positive tht the change wil come !

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