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GHAR JAWAI– A TAG TO BE ASHAMED OF??

December 12, 2009

One of my neighbours had only one daughter, so for her marriage the parents had put up a condition that the prospective groom will have to stay with them in their house and manage their business and take care of them after marriage.

In other words become a GHAR JAWAI.

GHAR JAWAI is   a man who instead of staying at his parents place or staying alone with wife stays with girl’s parents in their house.

Every one around used to give him sympathetic looks when he was seen doing some household work like any other son of the family would do. I remember an incident when he was helping in the diwali cleaning by reaching out to remove things kept in the loft. And the people around actually did “tch-tch, poor fellow” and made fun of him.

Even his parents were forced to hear comments like,” their son has become a GHAR JAWAI. How shameful”? 😦

I just can’t understand what’s wrong in being a GHAR JAWAI. Why the person holding this title is looked down upon with contempt? Why there is so much sarcasm attached to these two small words. Why there is a stigma attached to this word?

We talk of equality of gender. We very grandly say that bahu is like a daughter and Jawai (son in law) is like a son. So what is wrong if he also helps in the household work? Don’t we expect our sons to put in their little bit and help in doing small chores around? So when the son can do it then why not the SON IN LAW?

Moreover, if the girl is supposed to consider her matrimonial house as her own, help in the household then why shouldn’t the boy do the same?

I know all over the world, girl leaving her parent’s house and shifting to boy’s house is common (except for in matrilineal castes) but if circumstances demand they what is the harm if the boy shifts to his in-laws house?

Many a times the boy’s parents start feeling ashamed of their son and start shying away from relatives and public gatherings  iftheir son choose to shift his baggage to his inlaws house. it is like IZZAT MITTI MEIN MIL GAYI

I am not promoting the concept of Ghar jawai, lest my future son in law thinks that I would like him to become one.  🙂

What I am trying to say that if the circumstances are such that instead of girl packing her things and shifting to her husband’s house, the boy has to do it then why raise such a hue and cry about it.

If the girl is expected to take care of her inlaws then what is wrong in the boy taking care of his in laws? There is nothing shameful about it.

I know this is because of the values embedded in our culture from ages that son in law is treated as someone superior, someone who should be respected (I know of cases where the father in law is about 65 years and son in law is only 25 years even then he is called with respect with ji suffix after his name or he is referred as AAP.

Is it because parents still think that the boy is doing an obligation on them by marrying their daughter?

I think I am drifting from my topic of GHAR JAWAI so coming back to it once again, why not treat the son in law as part of your own, like your son ? Treat him like one would treat one’s own child and encourage him to also treat the in-laws like his own parents.

At least with today’s generation these things should not matter and they should be open to change their thinking and outlook.

But unfortunately they do. GHAR JAWAI word is something which is still frowned upon. Boys feel it a blow to their ego if they are terms as GHAR JAWAI. But tell me if the girls can become GHAR BAHU then heavens will not fall if they become ————  🙂

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29 Comments leave one →
  1. December 12, 2009 8:56 am

    Our culture is the villain; society also plays a great role. Matters like this should be discussed among the younger generation thus the coming generation will be much better in problems like this.

    The point you have talked about in the post is a valid and important one, still you have expressed it without much complex.
    Keep it up.

    ARJUN MS
    INDIA

  2. Shafi permalink
    December 12, 2009 9:08 am

    I have heard such incidents too, it is up to the person, he wished to do so, he accepted it and lives there. Why the society should care? As long as the couple are leading happy married life, thats it!!

    • December 12, 2009 4:02 pm

      as said earlier one requires immense strength to stand against the society

  3. December 12, 2009 9:27 am

    Valid points… indeed.

    Our society (i.e., what it has become for some centuries now) also plays a great role. Earlier women who worked were taunted… for not looking after their family ‘properly’.

    So, is the case for ‘Ghar Jamai’. Even towards husbands who choose to work from home. Or decide to relocate to another city/country… for the sake of their spouse.

    Even those who marry without taking ‘dowry’. The neighbours/relatives/friends… who all are actually a part of society (and therefore make the society) will make it a point to let them know that they have got a ‘bad deal’.

    Where have to come to… ???

    • December 12, 2009 11:19 am

      you are right. whatever any one does, it is bound to get comments from rest of the world. Kuch to log kahenge, logo ka kaam hai kehna

    • December 12, 2009 4:01 pm

      regarding dowry you are absolutely right. only today some one educated belonging to the present generation commented ” Marwari mein shaadi hui hia to bahut mal mila hoga”
      still people relate marriage to dowry.

  4. December 12, 2009 12:44 pm

    Agree with everything you say! Wish more people thought like you.

    • December 12, 2009 3:59 pm

      lets hope that there are more and more number of people who will not only agree with it but also bring about the necessary change in the thinking.

  5. December 12, 2009 2:08 pm

    We all live double standard life, I might hurt someone’s feelings or sentiments here, but the truth is that we all live in a very tight and hypocritical society. We tune ourselves to the situations and become a part of it to live in comfort zone. “Apne per beet ti hai to hum defend karte hain society aur uske niyam kanoono ko per jab kisi aur per beet rahi hoti hai to ya to kuch nahi bolte aur karte ya fir door se khade hokar sabhi mein shamil ho jate hain aur mazak mein ek hissa ban jate hain”.

    Very few people do stand up and fight or provide a helping hand to support and defend someone else.

    • December 12, 2009 3:58 pm

      that is very true. we only raise our voice when we are confronted with the situation. otherwise we just sit in our AC rooms and comment on it.

  6. milan mehta permalink
    December 12, 2009 2:22 pm

    i think its the stigma is imposed by the society we live in. There is nothing wrong in being a ghar jamai if its the need of the hour. The problem is that we are bound by the beliefs of the society we live in and always tend to think “what will people say?”. So we make our decisions based on impression that our act will leave on strangers. The tough part is how to break away from this habit and how to get it accepted in society and culture……

    • December 12, 2009 3:57 pm

      what is required is guts and the zeal to do away from the set norms of the society. society is us. the more the number of people who break away from the habit easier it will be for the society to accept the new change

  7. December 13, 2009 6:56 am

    Great post! I agree with what you have written- society should change these out-dated ideas like looking down upon a Ghar- Jawai!

  8. December 13, 2009 1:08 pm

    It is quite silly.Why not see it from the boy’s point of view.May be he has accepted the condition reluctantly so as to keep his wife and his in-laws happy. There is nothing wrong as they needed someone to handle their business.
    I find nothing wrong with this scene-in fact I compliment the man for having been brave without caring for people will say.

  9. December 13, 2009 5:31 pm

    The other day I too had read another article about Ghar Jawai… Well actually, like everything else, it too has its own pros and cons. I have no answer to your question as to why ghar jawais are always looked down upon. But the first thing that comes to every individual’s mind when he/she sees a ghar jawai is “Poor guy, maybe he does not have any job” or “he must not be rich to support their daughter” or something like “He simply doesnt want to work”. The thing is whatever is shown in the movies gets reflected in our thinking. I cant think of even a single movie wherein the ghar jawai was a hard working fellow, rich and ofcourse helps in the household chores. We dont get to see that at all..

    But yes, I think it should be taken more sensitively and people should think about becoming a ghar jawai… Umm… I am not very sure if I would like that. Maybe I am too orthodox in this case.. 😦

    • December 13, 2009 5:56 pm

      this is true. we have been conditioned to this thinking since ages that a boy agrees to become a ghar jawai only if he has some financial problems or as u said he is too lazy to work
      but what most people fail to realise is that there could be some genuine reasons for him becoming one. may be the wife is the only daughter and she only has to take care of them so he shifts there. and more over if he is given the status of the son of the family, a part of the family then what is wrong in his putting his two bit in household affairs?

  10. December 14, 2009 6:53 am

    Well, in this situation i think it worked well as much for the parents as for the guy who gets hold of a business..good for him…he mighty well say yes to the arrangement!

    I think in India we make a big noise about the concept of damaad. and why only the bahu is expected to move in with her in laws and do the compromising and adjusting bit. I have never understood, what the fuss is about.

    Personally, I do not believe in joint families and so for me moving in with either of the parents does not hold good. But, yes if circumstances arise, this should not be looked down upon.

  11. December 16, 2009 9:20 am

    I am so glad this post was picked by Blog Bharti. Congratulations Anju, your blog name ‘Awakening’ is truly appropriate!! 🙂

    I think we all get used to a certain ways and things, and any change is seen as ‘odd’ or even as wrong. I see this changing now. My immediate neighbours have requested to rent our Pune house for their daughter in law and her parents to come and live in… both the set of parents will find support from their children living right next door, and you could say the son will be a temporary ‘ghar jamai’ (he will be abroad most of the time though…). I think the term ‘ghar jamai’ is used to insult just like the term ‘joru ka gulaam’ is used.

  12. December 22, 2009 11:04 am

    I think now most of couples end up staying away from their families and just go back and meet them on vacations :)..but thats a very stupid assumption to make..its just with my friends..however i too dont see why a boy cant go and stay with his In Laws .. very relevant post

  13. kiran permalink
    January 9, 2010 1:25 pm

    I am looking for a ghar jamai life partner. But my search failed. Most of the guys who are ready they wanna a rich girl and i am a middle class?????

    • December 24, 2014 5:39 am

      hi kiran where do you live i am trying to be a ghar jamai

  14. kiran permalink
    January 10, 2010 4:44 am

    My Ex-boyfriend break up with me when i requested him to live in my parent’s house he said “Koin Ghar chorrta hai tum ladki ho chorrna padega,, mei kahin nahi jaaney wala”

    On the same side i dont have any brother but he has elder brother…

    anyways i am no more with him…

    and still searching….

    • vishal g permalink
      July 8, 2014 1:12 am

      hello kiran i m a nice educated guy from Mumbai and i m ready for ghar jamai mail me we talk further.. ranbeer22@gmail.com

  15. December 3, 2010 9:47 am

    You popped up on bing when I did a search for a subject. Glad I discovered your blog. I’ll subscribe to your RSS feed.. btw.. I am looking for the facebook like button to add this entry to my feed.. do you have one?

  16. vicky permalink
    May 26, 2012 6:43 pm

    i am willing to be a ghar jamai Any rich family girl willing to accept me ? if yes call me 9225680373 or email me at flames.of.india@gmail.com

  17. ajay patil permalink
    August 4, 2016 4:30 pm

    hi i m ajay patil mala konich nahi tar mala ghr javai hoich ahe kon ahe mazya sathi my numbar 7387561164

  18. sandeep kolte permalink
    February 19, 2017 10:02 pm

    Mo no 9702979326

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