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June 20, 2009

Two posts consecutively targeting men, I know, I will be termed a feminist or a man hater.

Although the topic will raise the eyebrows of the men but this mail is primarily for all the parents who raise their sons as the immortal Gods who need to be cherished and shooed away from all the mundane daily chores of a family life.

Recently I met a newly married young woman. I was expecting her to be on cloud nine, jubilant and brimming with happiness but I was in for a shock. She was depressed and disillusioned with married life and full of complaints about her husband

Quoting her verbatim “my husband doesn’t share the daily household chores with me (as he doesn’t know anything), he never even picks up his plates or gets water for himself, has no clue about family life and all the paraphernalia that comes along with being married, even I am working woman and I also come tired after a long day at office, should he not be helping me, and even if he offers to help a little my inlaws stop him’ etc she went on and on.

This conversation set my ever fertile mind to start toiling and I thought whose fault was it actually, the husbands or his parents.

The conscientious woman that I am, I put the entire blame of this on the parents.

Right from the time a daughter is born parents especially mothers start preparing her for her role and duties as a wife, mother, and daughter in law. She is taught cooking, household chores, given long lectures on relationships.

But tell me how many sons are prepared for their future roles? How many mothers teach their sons to be good husbands? How many sons get the training in household work, or maintaining multiple relations after marriage?

In today’s scenario when both the partners are working it is equal responsibility of both of them to share the household work. When the wife’s earning are at par with the husband and she is in no way secondary to her husband then why should she be the only one to work in the kitchen after a long tiring day at the office or manage the house all alone?

I think parents should realize that they not only have their duty to prepare their daughters for the future life but they also have an equally important duty towards their sons to guide them and train them for better husbands and fathers.

After all I have also been through the same treadmill. Even today if my husband tries to help me in daily chores or he comes home with some shopping for vegetables or fruits or he picks up this plates (I think my regular arguments and tiffs have changed him a little) my mother in law starts “tcch tcching” How can apple of her eye be forced to do such small job? So she comes running to help him.

So talking from my personal experience if I could get irritated by this behavior, any young woman will get.

I don’t claim to be an ideal mother (even I overlook so many faults of my son, whereas my daughter used to get long lectures over the same things) but I do try to teach him about relationships and how he should learn to appreciate the work done by others and I nag him a lot regarding his short temper or impatient behaviour. Most of the time I can be found telling him “learn to be patient, tolerant, appreciative , cooperative otherwise your wife will fight with you or she will blame me for your incompetence as a good husband.

we have a democratic country with special emphasis on equality and no discrimination on basis of sex in employment then why there should be sexual discrimination in preparation for one of the most important role of a human being i.e. of a family person?

all the parents please don’t discriminate between your sons and daughters and teach both of the same qualities of endurance, patience, understanding, adjustments and of course housekeeping.

And jaago all the boys if you want happy married life then learn to share your responsibilities in household work and of course maintaining relationships and incorporate all the qualities which you are looking for in your life partner, in yourself first.

33 Comments leave one →
  1. Ms. Neha Gandhi permalink
    June 20, 2009 5:09 am

    i am in a little disagreement here – because its not solely the upbringing that matters…because the guy has to himself realize his duties…and nowadays both partners make it very clear at the very beginning…that all chores shall be shared…

    in ur friends case…initially she must have pampered him to the core…and now expecting her husband to change that is difficult…

    so might as well set things straight and then take the plunge…

  2. AnjuGandhi permalink
    June 20, 2009 5:27 am

    neha, you are right but i just wanted to point out that like girls, the boys should also be guided and made aware of their role as husbands.Most of the time men take it for granted that household and related matters are the forte of women and they have nothing to do with it. Moreover it is the duty of parents to teach the boys that in married their role as husbands invloves providing not only physical satisfaction but also providing a emotinal cushion to the wives and he along with his wife has to maintain the social aspect of togetherness

  3. ZiLliOnBiG permalink
    June 20, 2009 6:27 am

    woo-hoo, i am gald that you wrote this post. Excellent writeup.

    I agree 101%. Men should just try doing household chores for a week and then they would realize how tough it is. I always help my wife, and even tried to help my mom. But my mom, chases me out of kitchen saying men arent supposed to do these chores. She plainly refuses.Probably old way of thinking.

    My wife was pregnant and first trimester, i was doing all the work, including cooking, vacuuming etc and almost broke my back. Doctor had adviced complete bed rest for her, since she had a earlier miscarriage.Its a full time job by itself, and women work much more than men do in office. I salute all women, its such a sacrifice to bring up a family, and selflessness.

    I love to share the work, infact i love cooking and my wife always compliments that i cook better than her.

    Nice post. You should comeout with such nice posts often. I will make my wife read this, sharing your link with her. ciao:))))

  4. ZiLliOnBiG permalink
    June 20, 2009 7:26 am

    i agree on the parents part. they should stop differentiating a son with daughter. For eg, i told you about my mom. She would chase me out of kitchen whenever i went to help her with cutting vegetables or cleaning. She wouldnt just let me do it saying its not meant for a man. I am sure if i would have had a sister, she would have made her do it.

    See, everything starts at home. Most men develop an attitude, learning from the behavior of their parents.

  5. AnjuGandhi permalink
    June 20, 2009 8:20 am

    ZillionBig thanx for your appreciation. I know our mothers will not be able to tolerate their sons helping their wives but present day moms at least they should guide their sons for a better husbanhood. if it is done i am sure half of the marital discords will be solved.

  6. Quest permalink
    June 20, 2009 8:20 am

    Realization comes because of some extent to the upbringing one receives…..see in oneself what you wish to see in others…

  7. Smitha permalink
    June 20, 2009 8:21 am

    Excellant post! I agree with everything you've said here. There is definitely a different treatment meted out to boys which makes it difficult for them and their spouses in the long run. My husband was the same when we got married – he was majorly pampered abd did not have to lift a little finger at his place..but thankfully he realised very early on that it was very unfair on me.. But yes, it would be so much easier if the men are brought up the same way as girls..

  8. Parita permalink
    June 20, 2009 8:41 am

    Thats a grt write up, i totally agree with u, i do have a younger bro and my mom pampers him to the core, i often argue with my mom on the same, i wish i cud get them to read ur article 🙂

  9. Aparna permalink
    June 20, 2009 11:15 am

    I completely agree. When I got married, my husband did not know a thing about running a house. I was almost 5 years his junior and my mother in law expected me to do every chore smoothly. I was working too. When we had a baby and I wanted him to hold the baby or change her, she interrupted saying its a woman's job. He can not do it. She never taught him about relationships or responsibilities of a married man. It is my sheer luck that my husband turned out to be so understanding and willing.
    I think the onus is on the mother to teach a boy to be prepared for his role as a father and a husband.
    I really enjoyed reading this.

  10. Zeba Talkhani permalink
    June 20, 2009 1:14 pm

    My bro does more chores than me. That could be because I sweet talk myself out of it. But it feels good to know that my parents don't diffrentiate on this basis.

    Our society is such that I don't think the males who are brought up in such a manner can change so very easily.

    You are right about parents making an effort right from the beginning.

  11. Barry permalink
    June 20, 2009 2:07 pm

    Strange. Oh course I was raised in a family with all brothers but we were all expected to pitch in with the housework.

  12. AnjuGandhi permalink
    June 20, 2009 2:17 pm

    @ Quest, Smitha, Zeba, Aparna, Parita Thanx for your views.
    Most of the mothers do not teach the intricacies of married life to their sons and it is left to the poor wife who herself is a novice in this alien world of marriage to teach her husband. and she does it while thanking ( read blaming) her mother in law, at times successfully and well at times with no success ( depending on the influence of upbringing of her husband)

  13. June 20, 2009 2:53 pm

    Thank you so much for visiting my blog and in turn helping me find yours!! I love such topics!!!! 😀 Yep, same case in my house as well "oh no! he has to work, let e not come into the kitchen" says my MIL it is SO annoying! I hate it when she gives him a plate from the kitchen to where he sits in the hall. I make fun of him saying 'ask her to feed and clothe you". All this nonsense (:P) has reduced considerably. I told this to an aunt and she said" its not entirely the parents fault I tell my son to keep the tumbler in the sink he NEVER does it. " I f I were her, I would spank the kid and never give him milk !!! Cos, in the end the wife has to see and suffer all this arghhhh so annoying! I have blogrolled you, will be haunting now onwards!!!

  14. obssesor permalink
    June 20, 2009 4:13 pm

    I guess the minute the male child isnt the most prized thing on earth, things will begin to change!

  15. Queenmothermamaw permalink
    June 20, 2009 4:27 pm

    Hello Angu, found your blog on Barry's post. I am interested in finding folks who are interested in learning about other cultures. I have many friends who are Sisters of Charity of Nazareth who have ministries in Napal and India. Come by my neck of the woods if you care to. I would love to get to know you better. Very interesting post. Blessings

  16. Swatantra permalink
    June 20, 2009 7:01 pm

    First time on your blog!! I liked your post!! I belive it is all in attitude we wear!!

    I just loved the last two quotes on your blog!! Thanks for sharing!!

  17. The Panorama permalink
    June 20, 2009 7:54 pm

    I agree with Neha that really, a man should realise all this himself, without having to be pointed out the obvious. In the old days, it was different where the man was the main breadwinner and the woman took care of the house. Todays women have to work and then come home and make dinner. My brother always helped my sis in law, the moment he came home from work. He was a pampered darling, believe me but he is a very sweet and good person who thinks it is unfair that his wife should be doing all the house work…and they have servants and she is not working. SO it really is up to the mn himself too. Lets not put it all on the parents:)
    Good post , Anju:)

  18. sujata permalink
    June 21, 2009 6:28 am

    I cannot get over your template. Its so so sos beautiful!! I am trying to comment on the post, but I just cannot get over the template.Really wonderful wonderful template!!! As for boys and men and whatever they are called, its always a challenge, either they know nothing or they know it all, my husband knows much much more than me about everything that needs to be done to run a smooth household, and I can tell you thats a pain as well!! I would prefer him to just let me deal with it.

  19. Charity Joy Bell Childs permalink
    June 21, 2009 10:46 am

    Hello, thank you for the visit and the comment. 🙂

    I appreciate your blog, as you seem to be quite the thinker. You write about issues. I like that. I like to read things that are worthwhile to read. 🙂

    I also am impressed by your blog design! 🙂

    Visit anytime, you're always welcome! 🙂

  20. Onkar permalink
    June 21, 2009 10:55 am

    Very good thoughts. I don't think you need to be apologetic to men. What you have said is the truth.Also, thanks for visiting my blog.

  21. RoyalTLady permalink
    June 21, 2009 2:37 pm

    Hi Anju,

    I came via QMM. I am glad you are vocal in addressing this issue. We have a common ground to share our "ideas, grouses and happy stories"…

    I let my son-in-law helping my daughter whenever possible and never interfered with their daily chores. I only lend a helping hand caring for my only grandson while mom and dad are at work. While he is asleep, I keep busy in this blog sphere visiting and passing comments whenever possible.

    I have started an early education on my only son about "life" as you mentioned above, with the intention to avoid being the party to be blamed later on.

  22. Mimi permalink
    June 21, 2009 4:38 pm

    Thank you for visiting my blog and I too love to peek in on other people's blogs and learn about other people and where they live and what they do. Yes, Domestic Engineer is a Home Maker!!! I really never worked outside of the home, a few little part time jobs here and there, but I felt sometimes like I was incomplete cause I did not have an IMPORTANT job, then as I grew older I realized I had the MOST IMPORTANT JOB of all, raising and shaping the minds of 3 little ones!!!! Our oldest daughter is a dental hygienist, 2 nd daughter is a Manager for Walt Disney World in Florida, and our son is in his 2nd year of Law School, my husband or I ever went to college, so I raised them up knowing they could achieve any goal they set and whatever they wanted to do go for that goal and all 3 have achieved that!!!So for that reason, I smile now and not ashamed to say I am a STAY AT HOME WIFE AND MOM and now a MIMI!!!!Yes, I think sons need to be taught home responsibilities as well as daughters, boys need to be taught the tender side of family life!!!!
    have a blessed day my new friend!!!!

  23. AnjuGandhi permalink
    June 21, 2009 4:44 pm

    hey Mimi , i am going to borrow your domestic engineer tag and use it to describe me.

  24. Mimi permalink
    June 21, 2009 4:59 pm

    No problem we are all Domestic Engineers or Domestic Diva's sometimes!!!!! You are a special lady and you keep reminding your son to be tender and loving and clean up his plate and make his bed!!!!
    have a blessed day,

  25. Meira permalink
    June 22, 2009 7:59 am

    I so so agree. I'm newly married, and my husband does help me around (after I've hollered at him and reminded him about every task 108 times). But when my in laws visited, they were outraged that he has to work around the house too. Arghh!
    Your blog is awesome. Will keep coming over.

  26. Arunima permalink
    June 22, 2009 1:36 pm

    Hope my mom-in-law reads this. 🙂 I must say I am lucky I married a gem of a person as he helps me in everything. Mom-in-law did not like it and told me not to make him help me.

  27. Rahul Anand permalink
    June 22, 2009 1:45 pm

    Nice post. Right from personality to behavior, I feel a lot of a child's character is shaped by parents, and he/she just does what the parents taught him/her. Its imperative for parents to teach them to share work.

  28. Milan permalink
    June 22, 2009 2:06 pm

    Whoooa 2 sequential posts against men. While its true for most households it doesn't apply to every single household. But i do agree that at least in Most Indian families the men aren't raised the same way as women which they regret years later. They should be taught to share household chores, cook and do everything what is expected from women and i also agree that parents should realize this as well. I never learnt how to cook and i learn it now years later the hard way. Its a shame how much men rely on their better half's for all household stuff and they take them for granted for these things which isn't right at all. I mean come on men wake up and realize your responsibilities.

  29. le embrouille blogueur permalink
    June 22, 2009 2:24 pm

    Hi Anju …first off … your blog looks fabulous ..very classy and yet with a hint of the modern day necessities …(after all it is a blog)…

    Now about the post ….

    I am a single child and growing up I used to live alone with my Mom while my Dad was away on official tours a lot.This built a sense of responsibility in me which I know reflects in the behaviour I have towards my wife.We work as a team and there is no individual decision…I like the dependency I have on her and it makes me feel complete…and I think I speak for her when I say that she feels the same way as well….having said that, I also realize that a lot of men are like men (which Zillion Big talks about in his post) who do not even realize the pains women go through…but the awareness now is better than from twenty years ago…it takes a man to be a woman and see how it feels …sorry to hog the comment space !!

  30. Mimi permalink
    June 23, 2009 4:35 am

    Yes, I agree about the family that eats together stays together!!!
    So yes, take the time to have everyone over to eat!!!
    It's fun as well!!!!

  31. @lankr1ta permalink
    June 29, 2009 2:34 pm

    Umm, on the feminist tag, I think its a good positive thing to be called a "feminist". A feminist is a person who believes in the equality of the sexes. I would think that is a good thing. Man hating is ridiculous. You have talked about being equal, therefore are feminist. If you spoke of women suppressing men, that would be man-hating. Feminist is NOT a dirty word.

  32. Anonymous permalink
    July 16, 2009 10:00 pm

    Great post..!!!! I could not read all the comments and I hope no one has brought up this reason.

    What you have expressed about men is true to some extent. Men who are living with their parents usually don't have any experience on household work as they never felt the need as it was handled at home by mother, sister…etc or even maid.

    However I don't see these qualities in men who have spent sufficient life away from parents for whatever reason. Let me give my own example: It’s been almost a 10 years since I moved out of house for career purpose. But before that, I can recollect how demanding I was with food and other things at home. These 15 years I have learnt a lot of house hold stuff , …trust me…I am a good chef too…!!!!
    What made me learn all these…?? It is the situation. Also I don’t want to ignore the exposure I am getting to culture which strongly believes in being independent ..!!!! But whenever I visit home for short vacation, I get carried away with being independent, but even now my mother or sister won’t let me do it.

    Thanks again for the great post…!!!!

  33. Jyoti permalink
    August 25, 2009 12:28 pm

    Hello Anju…First Of all Congratulation for a great blogging,as I'm first time visting ur blogs.Its Great Post…!!! I agree with you. While reading we rememberd our childhood…the same happened in life too.
    Thanks again for the great post….

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